My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
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