May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
