I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
