My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
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