No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
