I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
