when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
