I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Randomize
