I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
