Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
