I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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