Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
thanks. im glad you find me better in your comparison between me and fat girl porn.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
