Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
