i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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