Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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