Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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