Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
