i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
40s are totally the cure
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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