Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
