Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
