i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
where does the pee come out of this thing
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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