Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Randomize