i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize