I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Randomize
