i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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