I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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