The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Randomize
