she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize