how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
