What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
