There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
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