She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
