What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
