and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
