I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
