Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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