Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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