I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
