you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
