I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
