What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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