He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
