his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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