I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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