Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I understand Curling. That high.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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