I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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