So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Randomize
