first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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