I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
