Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
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