Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Randomize
