Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Randomize
