i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
