I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
