They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
