So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
