life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
