What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
