I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
