i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
