There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
