i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize